Sometimes unexpected cross-connections lead to remarkable insights.
The phrase “personal leadership” comes up almost daily in my practice as a leadership consultant. It is somewhat fashionable, slightly superficial jargon, but it apparently fills a need in the sometimes-unbearable frenzy of modern organisations. It’s about leadership, always commendable. And it is personal, so there’s something in it for everyone. But for all that the term gets thrown around, it isn’t easy to pin down precisely what it means when you are looking for direction for yourself. Commonplaces abound. “Living from your core”, “bringing out the best in yourself”, “using your qualities and talents to the full”.
Not long ago, in a completely different context, I came across the ideas of the late psychologist David Schnarch. Schnarch, a renowned American sex therapist, was a familiar name in publications like Psychology Today and Cosmopolitan, often offering advice on sex and relationships. Quite a contrast, wouldn’t you say, sex tips and personal leadership?
In one of his principal works, Passionate Marriage, he discusses the concept of “differentiation” as an essential element of a good relationship. It refers to the capacity to balance two of the strongest human drives: our drive to live our own lives (autonomy) and our drive to relate to others (connection).
One of the most common relationship problems is that we have too much of one and too little of the other. Some feel trapped or controlled in close relationships, or feel they cannot be themselves; they may sense that their self-esteem is eroding and that they no longer know who they are. Others suffer from separation anxiety or yearn for safety and security, constantly pressing their partner for reassurance and unconditional love.
Recognise this? Been there?
Schnarch breaks differentiation down into practical principles, the very principles he used to help couples become more grounded, adaptive, creative and mature; in other words, better “differentiated”. But to my mind, his account also describes perfectly what personal leadership is:
The firm and flexible self
You have inner core values that you live by. Your self-esteem can withstand difficult times. You can hold on to your views and feelings even when others pressure you to conform. You derive your personal stability, values and direction from within yourself; this makes it easier to acknowledge that you are sometimes wrong. You don’t always have to be right, and you don’t get angry the moment you are. You learn from your mistakes.
A quiet mind and a calm heart
You can govern or, when necessary, calm your inner world by:
- Managing your fear, so it doesn’t run away with you.
- Working with your feelings and emotions.
- Tending to your own emotional bruises.
- Listening to your body.
Responding in a grounded way
You respond reasonably and appropriately to people, events and situations. You don’t overreact to tense or anxious situations — by saying hurtful things, shouting at your children, breaking down over minor issues, or losing your temper at the slightest thing. And you don’t suppress or avoid difficult situations that need attention.
Meaningful endurance
You can endure discomfort or pain in order to grow. This is crucial for success in marriage, parenthood, family and career. Endurance is not blind persistence, stubbornness or refusal to face the facts. Rather, it involves:
- Persevering until your goals are achieved.
- Doing what needs to be done, even when you don’t feel like it.
- Coping with adversity and disappointment; getting up after defeat.
- Withstanding stress.
Striking, isn’t it?
In the work context, problems often arise from a lack of differentiation as well, between the desire for personal autonomy and your commitment to the job or to your boss. In the private sector, where many people identify strongly with their performance, their results and the company’s success, that differentiation is constantly tested. In the public sector, where many people work with deep dedication to the citizen, the patient, the pupil or the traveller, it is under severe pressure. I see many work situations that are not sustainable.
So, take advantage of David Schnarch’s insight and develop your capacity to differentiate. If you build that competence at work, it will typically have an effect at home and in bed too. And it works the other way around. Talk about a win-win.